Why Self-Work Is Strategy: How Healing Made Me a Better Leader
Story Lead
For a long time, I thought being a high performer would eventually make me a good leader. Turns out, those two things aren’t synonyms. And it took a crash course in self-work to finally figure that out.
The Story
I chased titles like they were validation. Every new role, promotion, or client win felt like proof that I was enough — that I was smart, that I was valuable, that I had earned my seat at the table. But inside, I was still uneasy.
Why did I struggle to connect with my team? Why did feedback always feel so sharp, like a personal failure? Why did I carry so much stress into every interaction?
I didn’t yet know that I was carrying unhealed baggage into every room I walked into.
Unspoken insecurity. The weight of being a gay man in mostly straight boardrooms. Mental health challenges that went undiagnosed for too long. The inner drive that had always been my engine was running on fumes.
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Clarity comes quietly not with a crash, but with calm. Healing isn’t loud. It’s steady, earned, and often looks like this.
Climax
There was no dramatic breakdown. Just a slow unraveling repeated moments where I saw fear in the eyes of people who worked for me, people I cared about. They respected me, sure. But they didn’t feel emotionally safe with me. And deep down, neither did I.
It broke me a little. Because I wasn’t trying to be cold. I wasn’t trying to be intimidating.
I just didn’t have the tools. And I didn’t know how much I needed them.
Resolution & Closing
Over the last few years, I got help. I got honest. I stopped trying to outwork the parts of myself I hadn’t dealt with and started actually dealing with them.
Recovery, therapy, and time gave me something that high achievement never could: emotional fluency.
And strangely, what used to be the hardest part — people management — is now the most natural.
Not because I got softer. But because I got stronger.
I started building teams that trusted me because I trusted them.
I became the kind of manager people told me changed their career.
And for the first time, I believed them.
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You don’t become the best leader by being the smartest in the room. You become it by becoming the safest. That part took me years to learn.
Things I Would’ve Spotted Earlier
If people seem hesitant around you, it’s not always a reflection of them.
High performers often lead from control — not from care.
When your self-worth is unstable, leadership can feel like surveillance, not stewardship.
How I Wish I Handled It
I wish I had created more space for people to speak — and actually feel heard.
I wish I had led with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
I wish I understood earlier that authority doesn’t equal connection.
Leadership Lessons from the In-Between
Your team doesn’t need perfection — they need presence.
You can’t lead others until you learn to lead yourself through discomfort.
Emotional safety is the foundation of performance.
Lighter Moment
One of my proudest moments wasn’t a campaign launch or a business win. It was when a team member said, “I’ve never felt more supported in a job than I do with you.”
And it hit me: that used to be the part I struggled with most.
Now? It’s the part I treasure the most.
Want more context?
Last week I shared the backstory — how identity, overachievement, and early leadership collided.
Read: I Became a Leader Before I Knew I Deserved to Be One
This article is part of The Leadership Edit, a weekly series on emotional intelligence, transformational leadership, and growth in motion. Subscribe to get next week’s edition.
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